Waiting For My Life to Begin...

  I am a true believer in three things: Jesus, peanut butter anytime, and living each day as it comes. But lately all I can do is wake up, and wish for tomorrow to come faster. As I reach the end of this chapter of my life I can't help but to want to get to the next one faster. It's like when you get to the end of a really great book. You've enjoyed reading it, and now, with only a few pages left, you just want to finish it. But you keep getting interrupted and never seem to be able to reach the last page. That is my life right now.

  As I've said I plan on moving  in August. Well August came a little early this year. I got offered a chance to live in Alabama this summer.. Honestly I couldn't be more thrilled to leave behind all my friends and family and pursue this new experience. I've been ready to get out of Dodge for years now. Though the other people in my life are having a hard time adjusting, I'm just trying to figure out how much clothing I'm going to need for the rest of my life. I just hate that I've already said goodbye.

  Being ready to go is great. It has been a great advantage to me anytime emotions run high about my departure. But being ready to go seems to lead to all ready gone syndrome. I'm missing ordinary moments that will someday be memories because I spend all my time day dreaming about what's to come, instead of living in the here and now. I have never been a fan of people who were always waiting for the next big thing, but in this case, I'm not waiting for the next big thing. The next big thing is here and I'm itching to chase after it. That doesn't mean I'm not going to miss everyone here who loves and supports me. No, I will miss them all terribly. But if there is one thing I can say for adventure, it doesn't give you much time to think on the past. On an adventure, every day is another step forward. I'm on the greatest adventure of all, life after high school.

Where Mamma's Boy Meet Mamma Drama

 A friend of mine was recently complaining that her boyfriend was comparing her boobs to his moms. My friend, who is fairly small chested was annoyed because she knew she couldn't compete. I mean, I agree. I know this mother and that lady has a nice rack but the whole time she is telling me this story I'm thinking, that's your concern? That your boobs aren't big enough for you boyfriend? My concern would be why is he making that comparison in the first place?? A mamma's boy is one thing but this, to me, is a red flag.
 
  This guy is a good friend of mine and I know he's a mamma's boy. There is no doubt in my mind that the first few weeks of living on his own he is going to reach the point of starvation at least three times before having to call her and ask her how to obtain food on his own. But honestly, the boob situation is just weird! Freud says every man fantasizes about sleeping with their mother, but those are supposed to be deep, dark, repressed feelings that they keep buried waaaaaaaaaay down inside of them and don't speak of them out loud. But this is not even the only instance of weird family, incest-ish comments I've encountered lately.
 
  While at a friends house last night her twelve year old sister comes downstairs and says, "Is it weird that I walked into mom and dad's room and Phil, (their ten year old brother), was there in his jeans and no shirt, and I kind of thought he was hot?" Of course my response to this was yes. Yes that is weird. But my friend, the eldest says, "No, I can appreciate that the kid has a nice body." Why am I the only one who thinks this is weird?! When I said something about it she said I don't understand because I don't have younger siblings. Ya, well I have an older brother and I would never talk about him being hot. Ever. I can say he looks nice on Easter and Christmas but that's where the line is drawn in my mind.

  Then there are my two friends. These friends are cousins. Their families are close and they are the same age so they are very good friends. You would never be able to tell their cousins because one is very Latino and one is very not. When I first met them, before I knew they were cousins, I thought maybe they were dating. When I found out they were related I was caught off guard because honestly, they flirt...a lot. Then the other day we were talking and she says, "Ya he's hot, if he weren't my cousin I would totally be on that." Ew! The fact that you've had that thought is weird to me. I just can't handle familial sexual interest.

  Maybe I'm just crazy, but I think the whole incest thing is coming back into style and I am not on board.

The Homestretch, Baseball Season, and Job Hunting

  As I get closer and closer to the end of one chapter of my life and the beginning of another (52 days to be precise), I can't help but look back on the last four years. If there is one thing I've learned it is that you never know as much as you think you do. In fact, I'm sure four years from now I'll be thinking, "I was so stupid four years ago, I didn't know anything." Well future me, let's hope you don't turn out to be broke, fat, and alone because in that case I'm better off without the knowledge you have.
 
  The only thing getting me through the next few months leading up to my move is baseball season. If I couldn't sit on a couch for hours and do nothing but watch a bunch of guys hit balls and run around bases, I would go crazy. Some people say Baseball is boring, I say I'd rather watch it then a bunch of guys engaging in a violent, and slightly homoerotic, battle of no wits to get a ball into an end zone, and then witnessing a stupid dance. My favorite part of Football is when they get penalties for too much ridiculous dancing. That's a great rule. I wish my friends got penalized every time they engaged in too much ridicules dancing. Alas, no such rule exists. Baseball is the sport our country was built on, no matter how much Football fans complain that Football is truly our national past time, maybe they should go back in time and talk to all the Black and Hispanic players who would have had nothing if they didn't have Baseball. Or the poor factory workers who found common ground with their rich neighbors on a Baseball diamond. It helped shaped our country. All Football does is lead to angry bar fights and DUIs that don't get paid because he's a famous Football star so we'll let it slide.
 
  Anyway, if it weren't for the Red Socks, I would be going stir crazy as I desperately search for a job. Turns out those jobs that anyone can do, people are doing them. The strangest people too. I walked into a clothing store to apply for a job, the same clothing store I almost got hired at a year earlier until they decided I was too young, and was handed an application by a very rude, very tattooed woman with artificially dark locks, and clothing that looked like nothing the store carried. This was odd to me because last time I was interviewed, they stressed the importance of wearing the latest trends. The only people who would have found this girl trendy are the girls at the goth club my sister frequents. Or maybe a dark side drag queen...but I digress. The point is, if I don't get a job soon, I'm going to have to find some slightly shadier ways to pay for tuition. I would rather not have to tell my kids I paid my way through college with the help of some gentlemen callers. Which of course is a joke. Don't call the police and tell them some random blogger is confessing to prostitution because I'm not. I'm confessing to thinking about prostitution...though I would make more money as an escort. And now I'm rambling so I think I'll draw a bath and think of creative ways of making money. Do people still buy hair?

Who ever said life was fair...oh wait

  The thing I hate most is when you know what you want, and you can't have it. I mean, I spend most of my life in indecision and I finally know what I want and I can't have it. How is that fair? Oh right, life isn't fair. If it were, the Red Soxs would win the world series and I wouldn't have to dream about eating chocolate cake with my perfect man. If life were fair, I could say I finally found my soul mate.
 
  As woman, we all have an idea of what we want in a guy. Most of the time this consists of lists that are pages long. But there is a certain point in one's life where you have to come to realization that you will probably never find someone who has all of those qualities. Some of them,maybe even most of them, but certainly not all of them. I had finally reached this point when, BAM! out of nowhere an acquaintance became a friend, became a best friend, became attractive, became my bairn. I always knew he was a great guy, but it truly takes a physical attraction to notice all of some one's qualities.
 
  I am not ashamed to admit that when all the girls were fawning over Mr. Right I was not impressed. Yes he was a sweet guy, talented, funny, but just not as impressive as they all made him out to be. Then he grew facial hair. It's superficial, I know, but it was like all of a sudden I was looking at this really attractive man. There is just something about a guy with some scruff. Anyway after that, as our friendship evolved, I started to notice all of the boxes he checked off. Funny, smart, kind, strong, sweet, complimentary, loves Jesus, helpful, hardworking, and the list goes on. As I fell deeper and deeper into feelings I didn't even let myself have, I knew it was stupid because we could never be together. There was one big thing standing in our way. Because I would rather not offend anyone, I'll refrain from true details. Let's just say he's stuck in his ways and I'm stuck in mine. As perfect as he may be, he will never date a girl who isn't his way, and I will never date a boy who is.
 
  So here we are. At the point of  a relationship where I would usually be asking, "Where do we go from here?". But since I know the answer I'm not sure what to do. I suppose I just say nothing and continue on with our not relationship as if I want nothing more then friendship. I suppose it doesn't really matter anyway. In five months I'll be in Tennessee, and what are the chances we really meet again after all? It's just too bad that I now know the perfect guy exists...sorry future boyfriend for any comparisons I may make...

Hanging Out With Little Kids and "Ya Right" Syndrom

  Today, as i spent the whole day with my little brothers, I begin to realize that I had contracted the, "Ya Right" syndrome. I remember it well when my sister had this terrible disease. It was when she reached the age of just about eighteen, that she couldn't help herself.
  Eight Year Old Me: "Someday, when I'm your age, I'm going have a boyfriend and get married!"
  Her: "Ya, right..."
  Me: "I can't wait for high school, I'm going to love it!"
  Her: "Ya, right..."
  As I spent the day listening to little kids talk about what they will do someday, I found that I couldn't help myself either.
  Slightly smaller brother: "Someday my wedding march is going to me The Shire theme song from Lord of the Rings!"
  Me: "Ya, right, your wife will be thrilled about that."
  Baby Brother: "Books are boring. There's nothing to do!"
  Me: Ya, right, just figure something out."
  It seems that as you get older, the reaction to children's thoughts and ideas is to laugh them off as in, I'm an adult, I have so much more knowledge then you, you'll find out someday. It's kind of sad because I remember being that younger sibling that got scoffed at and it sucked candy canes. I used to hate when adults would dismiss me. I try really hard not to act superior just because I'm older because I think that's the best way to discourage imagination and following ones dreams. Heck, I wish I were still a child untainted by by what we like to call "The Real World". I wish I could still sit around with a stick and pretend I'm a pirate (Not that I don't...cause I do...when no one is looking). I mean, slightly smaller brother's biggest concern in life right now, is whether or not he'll be able to buy Legos when they move to Germany. I'm worrying about how many calories are in an oatmeal bar, and where the heck I'm going to get 32,000 for college next year. Just a little perspective on the age gap I'm facing.
  My point is, at what age do we stop believing we can do anything? I want to get back to that point. I want to be able to look in the mirror and say, I can do anything I want to do. Anything I can imagine. From this point on I'm just going to do it. I can do anything. Case closed.

The Double Dipper

  You may be wonder what in the world a Double Dipper is. Let me explain. In the world of men, a Double Dipper is a man who has to choose between two girls, but instead of completely making a choice, he dates one girl, and tries to keep the other as a best friend, and often a "plan B". You may be thinking to yourself; "No! he really cares about me, we're best friends. I can be friends with him and watch him be with another girl, I just want him to be happy." But you're wrong. Double Dippers will never let YOU be happy. They will be very happy so for the short time you convince yourself that's all you want, you will be completely content. But sooner or later, reality will hit you. This will happen in a five stage process.
  Stage one:"He will choose me eventually". In this stage you will spend days, weeks, even months, convinced that your dipper will realize the error of his ways and come crawling back to you. Get ready for the let down. The truth is, he is never coming back. He chose the other girl because he wanted the other girl! It is possible, as often happens in these types of situations, that he was always in love with the other girl and you were just a momentary distracting until she decided she wanted to be with your dipper. Once you finally realize (probably on their six month anniversary) that he is never coming back to you, you will move to stage two.
  Stage two: "I just want him to be happy". Here you will tell yourself every time you see them together, he talks about her, or you see adorable pictures of them on Facebook, that you don't care. That all you really want is for him to be happy whether it is with you or someone else. This is a lie. You don't want him to be happy with someone else because you're not happy when he's with someone else. Be honest with yourself and take a moment of selfishness to realize that wanting happiness for someone is great, but you should want happiness for yourself first and foremost. If your dipper happens to be your best friend, you're are going to have to sit and listen to him talk about her for months, even years, while you repeat the same clique phrase over and over in your head.
  Stage three: "Can't you two just get along?". There will come a day when your dipper comes to you and says, "You should spend some time with *insert stupid name here*. I know you would like her and that you two would be great friends. Please? For me? You're my best friend, and she's my girl friend, it's only right." This is what we call manipulation, on both sides. he is trying to get you and the GF to be friends so when he wants to hang out with you, she can't object because she is also friends with you. This is a secret ninja trick that dippers use to have their cake and eat it too. Becoming friends with the GF is not a bad thing but WARNING! if you go here, understand that once you get to stage five, it is going to complicate things.
  Stage four: "I'm so glad I'm over him and can move on". You will tell yourself that you are so much better now and that you can move on from your dipper because you're happy, he's happy, and now the GF is your best friend so you're happy she's happy too. But you're not happy. you still want to be with him and it sucks even more to see them together because you can't hate her anymore now that you're friends. But you convince yourself that you can be content with someone else, so you go on a couple dates. the whole time you're thinking, "Remember that time dipper and I did blank together, that was the best..." and now you've missed whatever boring story your date has been telling and you have to improvise so he doesn't think you're rude. Once you have thoroughly exhausted yourself trying to find a new guy, you are ready for the final stage.
  Stage five: "I'm done with our friendship and being used and hurt, but now I'm friends with your girl friend and don't know how to get out of this mess". Now that you finally realize that your dipper is in fact a dipper, you will want to get out of Dodge. This is the only way to stop having feelings for him and keep yourself from getting hurt. As long as a dipper can keep you in his corner he will, just in case things with the GF get rocky, or he needs a quickie one drunken night. The only escape is to go cold turkey. Tell him you can't see him again and that's it. No phone calls, no outings, no direct contact of any kind. Now if you have befriended the girl you are going to encounter some issues. Likely she will have no knowledge of your ended friendship with her man because he doesn't want to have to explain that you're no longer friends because the two of you used to make out in his car, and now she is in the way of your happiness. The only solution is to stay friends with her and try to act natural. If you're lucky you're moving out of the state in six months and you won't have to deal very long. (August come faster). And this was your daily dating advice. Dump the Dipper.

Why Les Mis Will Leave Me With No Friends...

               "LES MIS IS THE BEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN EVERRRRRRR!!!!!!!"
  Sound familiar? If you're like me, and I assume you are, you hear this every second of every day. I have to point a few things out however before everyone and their mother tells me I'm smoking crack and have no taste in movies. 1) I have seen the live stage show. 2) I am, in fact, in the live stage show as we speak. 3) I don't like most things Hollywood takes from Broadway.
  I will be honest, I wasn't even going to watch Les Mis. the ONLY reason I went was because I was tired of having people ask me, "Did you like the way *insert famous human's name here* did that part?" and hearing, "Oh my gosh! What's wrong with you??" When I told them I hadn't seen it yet. It was probably a mistake though because this was me the whole time...

l  I'm sorry, but no matter how good of a singer you think you are famous movie actors, you are not Broadway singers. You have no business trying to take on one of the most challenging shows...ever. Besides, I couldn't take it seriously. They were all too famous! How can I really enjoy Les Mis starring Wolverine, Cat Woman, and Gladiator? I have great respect for their dedication and acting skills but to me, it was like a bad theater joke. "Three film stars walk into a theater..." But there were some redeeming qualities. (Though the continuous close up was not one of them.)
  I will tip my hat to two actors in that film; Aaron Tveit, and Samantha Barks. These two have real acting ability as well as vocal talent. Then again they are the only two stage actors in the film. (Before you try to tell me Hugh Jackman is a stage actor don't. Let's not even go down that rabbit hole). But even here I have a problem with how the director undermined the character of Eponine. In the movie she could have not existed. On My Own was the lamest version I have ever seen, and I know she can do more because I've seen Barks sing it before. In my opinion, leave stage shows, to stage actors.
  However, regardless of how I feel about the movie itself, I have more of a problem with the spell it seems to have cast on the people around me. I assume this is how Hitler rose to power. Make people love you so much that when anyone even hints at a negative comment about you they attack the perpetrator. It doesn't seem to matter hat people are entitled to their own opinion. I'm wrong. Anytime I try to say anything about this stupid movie I'm wrong. Well I'm glad we cleared that up. I'll just go die in my hole of cinematic illiteracy.
  While you're all re watching Les Mis for the fiftieth time, I'm content with Breakfast at Tiffany's, Casablanca, The Artist, Pretty Woman, Notting Hill, When Harry Met Sally, Two Weeks Notice, ect. Films that were actually written for film and are phenomenal films. Who needs friends?

Why the West Wind and I May Have to Come to Blows...

   Have ever wished that nature had one of those suggestion boxes that businesses seem to love so much? Like: "Suggestion for tornado over Kansas: stick to unpopulated areas. It might make people receive you better." I'm just saying, if poets can talk to nature why can't I? Although, would it listen is a better question. If I could talk to one part of nature however, it would be the West Wind.
   West Wind, not only did you inspire Percy Shelley to write a poem about you that I had to spend an hour and a half analysing, although, to be fair, anything that inspires Percy or his wife doesn't sit well with me. My English teacher looked at me in aghast when I told him the only parts of Frankenstein I liked were the dialogue parts. (It's funny because there isn't much...never mind). Anyway, not only did you piss me off with poetry about your death bringing tendencies, you also nearly ruined my one day off since Christmas.
   I was so ready to have a nice snow day with my friends. No homework, no rehearsal, no anything. all I wanted to do was go sledding and take some nice snowy pictures. But no. Instead, I got a face full of snow when I walked outside this morning, and my walking capabilities hindered substantially. We are not friends. Go back where you came from and leave spring behind. Thanks.
  Also Dr. Who boy has to work. I'm going to pretend to believe him because that excuse is so much nicer then any other alternative...like that he's gay. Or married. Or both.

A Letter to Dr. Who Boy...

Dear Dr. Who boy,
   On Thursday morning, approximately 10:30 am, we really talked for the first time. I had been staring at you for the two months that we have shared a classroom (which is quite a feat, considering you sit behind me). But on Thursday morning I finally talked to you. Our topic of conversation? Dr. Who.
    I thought it went well. I mean, if there is one thing a nerdy girl can bond with someone over its D-who. This is why when my friend told me to find a date so I could go on his double date, I automatically thought of you.True, we don't know each other, at all, but I thought I would follow the so widely expressed "yolo" concept and see if you were interested.
   So on Tuesday morning I walked into class looking as attractive as I possibly could, I walked up to you right after class and I asked you on a date. And I'm still not sure if you said yes or not...you didn't even give me a real answer! So now it's almost Thursday, again, with a 90% chance of snow, and with that, not seeing you tomorrow, and me without an answer. Please don't make me have to message you and ask. It's not polite. I asked you out, now it's your turn.
  The ball is in your court Dr. Who boy. Make a move.

Sincerely,
Was That a Yes or a No??